Armageddon Now???

by Various Authors

Disclaimer:

A heroic and thrilling tale of adventure, intrigue and nonsense, brought to you by The Bardic Circle, involving the most virtuous good guys you could ever imagine, and more of the nastiest, most villainous, hairy and smelly villains than you could shake a stick at. If they can be stereotyped, then they're in here!

Including contributions from the likes of (and in no particular order): Emily Duncan, Joe Connell, Kamouraskan, Emily Mills, Mary Michaels, Lariel, Kathy and Angelique Rader.

This was a writing exercise on cliched characters; that's our excuse and we're sticking to it! It's PRACTISE, I tells ya! And believe it or not, this HAS been betad!

We can all be reached at: bardiccirclekam@yahoo.ca

Emily M:

Pectoralus cast his steady gaze across the smoldering landscape and clutched at the mighty steel sword that was clasped to his side. He was too late this day, but according to the message he'd received, his comrade in arms, the thin-waisted large-breasted Eroticus had arrived in time to help the poor people of the village in the fight against the marauding army.

He would have known without the message that she'd been there. Eroticus had a habit of laying waste to everything in her path during a battle, whether it was an enemy soldier or a peasant's hut. Surely this irritated the locals, but a hero's help was a hero's help. Beggars can't be choosers after all.

Pectoralus flexed his freshly-oiled biceps and watched the sunlight play across his tanned flesh. In fact, he was so caught up in his own magnificence that he was completely unaware of the approach of the leader of the marauding army and his and Eroticus' arch nemesis....

***

Ang:

Unfortunately for Pectoralus, his enemy, Antithesis the Irritable, had noted his presence from afar. He needn't have worried. The villain was too caught up in torturing his own men to give much thought to pursuit. Antithesis demanded unwavering loyalty and ferocity from his men, that and a mint on his pillow every night.

"Is that too much to ask?" he screeched at the cowering man before him. Sunlight shone down on Antithesis' black armor, but didn't glint like it was supposed to. The beefy giant of a man tilted his overly large head forward and looked down at his enormous breastplate in exasperation. "And why is my armor not shiny? When I go into battle, appearance is everything! I can't strike terror into people's hearts if I'm not groomed properly, can I?"

The whip in Antithesis' hand flicked forward and tore a long stripe down his former valet's back. Spittle landed on the man's face as Antithesis ranted on and on about the lack of attention to detail. "It's like you just don't care. All I ask is that you ravage, maim and kill and then after the battle is over... remember the little things."

Carefully dabbing a bead of sweat from his heavy, wide brow, Antithesis turned to his second in command, a tall, hunchbacked, bald man with arms as big as tree trunks whose name was Onerous.

"Now, on to business. Have we captured Eroticus yet? I had that on the agenda for today. And where are we on that ruling the world plan? What is our kill ratio at now?"

Onerous appeared a little downcast. "We lost the graphs and charts during the last battle, sir."

Antithesis pulled out his sword, sighed and ran Onerous through with it. The hunchback groaned and sank to the ground, quite dead. Antithesis shook his head.

"Like I said... details, people."

It was a really good thing Antithesis had his sword out at that exact moment because...

***

Lariel:

...it meant that he struck a devastatingly stereotypically evil pose just as Eroticus crested the hill. His sword jolted upright.

"Ah, there she is..." he whispered softly under his breath, his deep, rasping voice boomingly loud. "What a beauty. What fire...what power...what breas...LOOK at my boots! Is that an intestine? Get it off! GetitOFF!!"

There was a flurry of activity as battle hardened soldiers pulled out cloths and proceeded to polish, buff and shine as if their lives depended on it.

"Right, how are we with the capturing Eroticus plan?" He waved his hand towards his new second in command, a curiously nervous looking young man who was clutching a blood stained piece of parchment freshly plucked from the stiffening fingers of Onerous. He unfurled it, read it and went deathly pale.

"Sir, we have been unable to locate her...erm, current position."

"Really?" The voice was cold, covering the assembled thugs like a frosty blanket of doom. The unnamed second's face crumpled, like all his features were spontaneously collapsing in on themselves. Soon, the rest of his body had spontaneously collapsed around Antithesis' sword. "How many times do I have to tell you people, you have to do the research!"

There was a mumbled murmur from his grovelling men. His fourth in command - an unaccountably terrified Expendibus - snatched up the tattered parchment from the spasmed fingers of his former colleague, and gave a brave smile.

Antithesis was still mumbling, his gaze transfixed on the blonde haired beauty as she stood on the hill, her bronze breastplate accentuating her naturally magnificent attributes. "Hasn't anyone read my memo? That valley enslaved and everyone in the hills dead by noon sharp, and then make Eroticus my bride by dusk tonight. We're on a schedule here, people!" He sighed. "Sack everybody in the research department, she's over there. And make sure they all fit into the one sack."

He raised himself to his full height in the saddle, stroked his moustache and cast an evil leer in Eroticus' general direction. "By tonight, you will be mine - you proud beauty! I will have my wicked way with you, and show you no mercy! And together we will rule the world! Bwahahahahaha!!!"

He kicked his horse, and began to canter towards Eroticus, who...

***

Emily D:

...continued to stand on the hill, her devastating beauty making even the lush green countryside look grey. The blood and dust from the previous battle miraculously vanished as she stood there, and her fine, taut muscles began to gleam, polished by the sunlight. She shook out her magnificent blonde mane, letting it fall sleek and shining around her waist.

Eroticus, of course, had a very special gift - not only could she see with perfect clarity over immense distances, she could also hear a pin drop from twenty miles away. So while Antithesis hatched his dastardly plans to have her captured, Eroticus was listening to every word.

And so she stood on the hill, waiting for Antithesis to take his shot. She was no coward, and she had decided to face the threat head-on. And besides, she had waited forever to go hand-to-hand in a fight with this rogue.

The hatred between the stunning blonde warrior and the wicked warlord ran deep. Eroticus knew that her foe was in love with her, of course - but she also knew that the man was fiendish enough to kill her in cold blood, without a second thought. The code of honour that all warriors were supposed to abide by meant nothing to Antithesis. This meant that the imminent battle with him was one of the most dangerous, but also the most exhilarating, that Eroticus had ever faced. Even more exciting than when she killed Nemesis - or when she scarred Adversarius so badly that he went into hiding. They found his body in a cave three years after the fight - on the wall, in his blood, was written, 'tell Eroticus I love her.' Those were the good old days.

'Eroticus!' came an excited shout.

The blonde turned around to greet the speaker - though of course, she already knew who it was. It was Pectoralus, her faithful comrade-in-arms - and as always, he had arrived just in the nick of time. Although she had turned her back on the villains cantering towards her as she watched her friend approach, Eroticus was able to use Pectoralus' glowing biceps like a mirror, and she followed the movements of Antithesis and Expendibus on the surface of the hero's arms, even as she welcomed him.

'How goes it, Eroticus?' asked Pectoralus. 'Fresh from your defeat of the marauding army, I presume?'

The two shared a handshake that was almost painful in its firmness.

'I only slaughtered five thousand,' Eroticus said, blushing modestly. 'But their leader, Antithesis, is on the warpath - I believe he wants to capture me and avenge his dead soldiers. Will you stay and join in the fight?' she asked, as the two warriors turned back to face the scoundrels cantering towards them.

'Of course,' replied Pectoralus.

And in anticipation of the forthcoming battle against the forces of evil, Eroticus and Pectoralus both smiled with joy, revealing two pairs of amazingly white teeth that were dazzling in the sun.

The radiance was overwhelming. It blinded Antithesis and Expendibus, even as they rode on towards their planned capture. Simultaneously, both villains fell off their horses, clutching at their eyes with cries of pain.

Eroticus and Pectoralus ran towards the falling men, at the speed of light. By the time Antithesis hit the ground, Pectoralus was by his side. But our hero found it difficult to keep a grasp upon the villain, due to the fresh oil that glistened on his biceps -- Antithesis slid up and down in Pectoralus' arms, and Pectoralus' skin grew red and sore.

Finally, Pectoralus managed to grab Antithesis by the seat of his pants, and hoisted him onto Eroticus' horse. But as he bound the hands and feet of his foe, he heard a cry - it seemed as though his comrade was in trouble.

'Eroticus!' he cried as he turned around, and saw...

***

Kam:

...Expendibus, nervously but tightly grasping a knife at the throat of a young girl of no more than 6 years of age. Both heroes halted immediately

Antithesis sneered from his bound position. "Perfectly done, Expendibus!" he crowed. "There will be a willing maid in your bed tonight and another carrot in your stew. Just be sure to fill out the correct forms. But…. leave the `office use only' section. I really get upset when people fill that bit in. And you don't want to upset me, do you?"

He twisted to stare down at the frozen Pectoralus. "The great hero, ineffectual again because of my greater mind! And don't even consider that you might use your speed or strength to free that child. She is only one of hundreds of survivors of the village of Anonymus that I have in my clutches. Including your dear niece Adorabulia who is to be my lovely and soon to be bride. Unless you agree to take her place." Eroticus allowed a gasp at this. "Yes, my bride! I have it all arranged. My private tent has been redone entirely in Spring colours with just your luscious shadings in mind..." He directed a leer towards Eroticus.

At this boast, she tossed her blonde mane in revulsion, saying "You continue to dream in colour, for I would certainly rather die than take you as a mate."

"Possibly, but would you rather that so many innocents be slaughtered, cut into small portions and fed to my pack of rabid dogs? All because of a small repugnance? I think not. I expect you, unarmed, to appear before dusk. Or else... as a backup we have another tent ready for Adorabulia, who I think is more of a Fall..." He chortled. "Of course…" he directed at Pectoralus, "you, are not invited. Maybe to the reception. We'll see.

"And now that we have delivered our message," he continued, "I think you can release me, and we will leave you with this little present. No thank you notes necessary. This time."

Grudgingly, the great Pectoralus untied the villain and allowed him to slide down between his body and that of the horse, knowing that Antitheses was again deliberately bombarding him with evil homoerotic longings.

Once he was on his own steed, the evil warlord sidled over to Eroticus, spittle becoming visible on each side of his moustache. "Before I go, I must ask one minor favour. I have several people working on your wedding dress, but they don't believe your bust size is for real. So I told them I'd confirm it for myself." He advanced towards the wide-eyed heroine, cackling, hands cupped and extended, as the child in Expendibus' arms cried pitifully…

***

Joe:

...a sound that echoed in the secret, darkened lair, one hidden far, far away from the unfolding drama. The confrontation between these great heroes (and heroines) and arch fiends played out within a floating orb of glass, this orb suspended by forces no mortal could ever name.

The solitary figure occupying this most secret and distant lair stood in silence, watching with dark, slanted eyes as his long fingers thoughtfully stroking his precisely trimmed goatee. He smiled at the sight of the child's plight and the heroes helplessness; a smile filled with teeth filed to razor points every bit as sharp and wicked as the long fingernails that combed his facial hair.

Watching this marvellous scene proved too much for his self-control, and Tyng the Terrible (once also known as Tying the Tyrant before losing his throne to Pectoralus) threw his bald head back and laughed aloud.

"Ho-ho, my old nemesis!" Tyng called out to the empty ceiling. "You still do not suspect a thing, do you. Poor fool! Soon, soon you shall taste from the cup of defeat. You shall learn that true strength comes not from the muscle, but the mind. Yes, yes. You shall learn this, for it is I who shall teach you!"

With his ornate black robes swirling about him, Tyng the Terrible turned his back upon the floating globe that he might set the next phase of his diabolical Master Plan into motion.

Behind him, scene in the globe shifted from the child to Eroticus, her eyes narrowing as...

***

Emily M:

...Antithesis' gnarled hands reached out in an attempt to cop a feel. Eroticus lurched back in the saddle and out of his reach and, out of habit, lifted her sword so that the point was at his neck.

"Ah, ah, Eroticus! Think of the children!" Antithesis cackled, shaking the child in his arms for good measure. The little girl burbled unexpectedly, and then was silent again in her state of abject terror. Eroticus did not lower her sword for a moment, torn between wanting to run the vile man through and her desire to remain true to the Hero's Code, Section X Line VII: "Thou shalt always put the well-being of adorable small children before thine own."

Eventually, reluctantly, she lowered the blade, but not before slapping Antithesis' hand away from her chest. The villain winced and sucked on the now slightly-bruised appendage.

"What is it with you and child brides, anyway?" Eroticus growled.

"Well," he began, a smug smile stretching across his distorted features. "For one, Adorabulia is Pectoralus' niece, and there's no better negotiating token than that! Two, I like to get to 'em... unspoiled, shall we say?"

Eroticus fought the urge to start dry heaving at the thought, figuring it would really detract from the cool exterior she was maintaining. She settled on simply frowning disapprovingly.

And then all assembled on the mount heard a strange noise in the distance. It was a low rumble of sorts, like the sound of many voices meshing into one great confusion of sound. Pectoralus glanced in the direction from which it came, and saw only a small dust cloud approaching. Antithesis turned his now nervous horse so that he too could see what was causing all the racket, but saw only the same dust cloud. Eroticus being as eagle-eyed as she was, narrowed her eyes and made out the forms of many people--villagers from the looks of it--all carrying various farming tools.

"How odd," Antithesis stated. His men began to shift uncomfortably behind him, waiting for any orders (because frankly, they couldn't function without them, and quite a few already had to pee and were trying their best to hold it).

The mob of villagers crested the hill and came to a stumbling, shouting 'halt' not ten feet from the assembled heroes, heroines, and villains respectively. One of the men in the crowd came forward and spoke for the group.

"We want all of you out of here before sunset!"

Pectoralus and Eroticus were stunned. Antithesis merely chuckled.

"What? But we're trying to save you!" Pectoralus insisted. The man shook his head and held up a hand to stop anything more.

"Nonono...we don't care what your intentions are. All we know is that every time you lot come 'round here, villages get burned, babies get snatched, people get enslaved! Well, we've had it! No more! We want all of you OUT!"

"I don't think you understand," Antithesis purred, or tried to purr, as the closest sound to it that he could produce more closely resembled pebbles being swallowed by someone with a tin throat. "You can't make me leave. I could have you all killed!" His men snapped to attention at the word, hoping that they'd get to move soon.

"You think so, eh?" the villager asked, clutching a large garden hoe menacingly. Just then, Eroticus moved between them all.

"Wait now, do you know what you're doing, going up against these guys with farming implements?" she began. Pectoralus briefly wondered what the word "implements" meant. "You're nuts! This is strictly a job for registered heroes! You're not members of the union are you?"

The villagers were a bit stumped for a moment, but soon regained steam and ignored the question. Someone threw a rock, and it hit Pectoralus in one of his gleaming pectoral muscles.

"Ow! Hey! That wasn't nice!" he yowled. The villagers were growing more and more rowdy with each passing second. Antithesis' men were also quite anxious for another good slaughter. Eroticus rode up next to Pectoralus and whispered into his ear.

"I don't know what their deal is, but if we don't stop this fight from happening, we'll see more bloody hoes here in a minute than we've seen since the old Whitechapel days, OK?"

After being slightly repulsed by the reference, Pectoralus got the hint. The time for action was now! Summoning up all of his overwhelming courage and puffing up his bulging muscles, Pectoralus prepared to ride into the thick of it with Eroticus. But, before he could kick his stallion into action, the most unusual thing happened....

***

Ang:

…Black clouds swarmed across the clear blue sky, blotting out the sun. Great gusts of howling wind began to whip through the air, churning up the dusty battle field.

"My hair!" Pectoralus & Eroticus cried in unison, clamping their hands over their heads as their perfect locks became horribly disheveled.

"My armor!" howled Antithesis as the dust again settled onto his gleaming breastplate.

"My God, what is that?" shouted the villagers, all squinting into the distance and pointing.

Everyone turned.

There, in the sky, was an enormous clear orb, a gleaming bubble bobbing up and down on the turbulent currents of air, with the shape of a man inside it. Though the man was jostled to and fro, and the dust clouds made his features indistinct, Pectoralus and Eroticus knew exactly who the new arrival was.

"Great," Eroticus muttered, running a hand through her ruined hair. "I'm definitely not going to have time to step off to the hairdresser's for a quick wash and set now." The bubble descended to the collective "oohs" and "ahhs" of the villagers as Pectoralus tried unsuccessfully to wipe away the dust that clung to his oily skin. With a gentle "boink" the orb touched down and then...

***

Extra:

…a man stepped out, pausing to flick the dirt from his black suit and wipe the dust from his shoes. He straightened his tie, and giving his head a quick shake, ran his hand through his dark hair. "I'm…" he announced.

"Fopus!" Eroticus growled, the tip of her sword moving to his chest. "Damn! And my hair is such a mess," she groaned to herself, eyeing the always immaculate presence before her.

He wiggled briefly in his suit, adjusting the fit of his shoulder. "Yeth, well," he lisped, using a finger to point the sword away from his body, "Leth not kill the methenger."

"Fopus?" Pectoralus questioned Eroticus. "Never heard of him. Friend or foe?"

"He's wearing black. Whatdaya think?" Eroticus rolled her eyes. "He's a stooge for Tyng."

"Well!" Fopus prissed, obviously insulted. "I conthider our relationthip more of a romantic friendthip."

"Fopus!" snarled Pectoralus, taking his cue from his female partner, "What do you want?"

"Tyng thent me. He requirth your presenth."

Our heroes and Antithesis snorted simultaneously.

"Great timing," sneered the villain. "You show up right before the fun starts, and demand we just drop our swords and follow you. I don't think so." Antithesis leaned intimidatingly toward him. Suddenly, his hand fanned the air before him. "Whew! You may be a dresser, but you need a breath mint."

Ignoring the insult, Fopus snapped his finger in the direction of the bubble; and it engulfed the four of them. With a gentle sway, it began to rise. A wicked grin spread its way across Fopus' face. "You don't hafh muth of a choith," he laughed evilly.

The villagers and soldiers watched them drift upward until they vanished into the clouds, and then they turned and eyed each other warily, unsure of what to do next. There were mutterings within the groups. Finally one villager exclaimed, "Well, they left. I'm going home." And the others followed him. Shrugging their shoulders, the soldiers returned to their camp.

They had been traveling just a short time when Pectoralus dropped to his knees, slapping his hands against his lips.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Eroticus asked worriedly.

"It's the height," gagged Pectoralus. "I think I'm going to puke."

"Eeww! Groth!" complained Fopus. "Thome hero."

Just then, the bubble emerged as the white mists surrounding them parted, and…

***

Joe:

...revealed a quartet of small beings within. Each of the quartet was dressed in a suit of shiny silver material, the limbs and torsos of each unnaturally large, almost rotund. Atop the shoulders of each was a slender, tubelike helmet of frosted glass that completely hid the features of each of the suit's occupants.

Shocking as their sudden appearance was, their sudden movement caught all who stood before them completely off-guard. The quartet moved in a lock-step march, taking up position in a perfectly precise line before Eroticus, Pectroalus, Fopus, and Antithesis.

The quartet raised their right arms, each of which held a strange-looking object: a box-like arrangement with a short, slender tube projecting from the main component.

A voice emanated from the quartet, a high-pitched, precisely modulated voice that was neither male nor female. It was impossible to tell which one spoke, for there was no movement among the quartet.

"Do not move. You are now prisoners of the Galactic Empire of His Most Celestial Majesty, the Divine-Chosen Emperor of the Forty Billion Star Systems, His Eternal and Most Royal Self, Howard DeQuack the First!"

Eroticus blinked several times, attempting to mentally digest the feast of words unexpectedly placed before her. Pectoralus, Fopus and Antithesis, however, naturally took umbrage at such presumption.

Pectoralus, massive fists clenched and braced against his girded loins, frowned down upon the strange newcomers in obvious disapproval. "Oh, are we?" he growled, perfect teeth gleaming as he clenched them tight.

The quartet's response was four bursts of heat and light that enveloped Pectoralus, who continued to stand stock still for several more seconds before collapsing to the ground. His perfect hair and glistening skin no longer perfectly formed nor all that lustrous (respectively). Indeed, his entire form had taken on a shade of black just this side of "raw soot".

Antithesis took advantage of the quartet's seeming distraction with his nemesis and sprang forward, his own weapon out and held high. He too was met by four perfectly synchronized burst of light and heat, collapsing almost immediately and falling indecently close to Pectoralus.

Fopus too scowled, though wisely remained where he was. "Hath youth any idea...?" The quartet refused to allow him to finish, shooting him as well. Fopus proved surprisingly hardy, however, managing to remain standing several moments longer than either Pectroalus or Antithesis. His face was now black as his suit and tiny licks of open flame were seen amid the remains of his once-perfect hair. Only his eyes had any color left, two white orbs in a sea of complete black. He blinked once, then again, an F Sharp key tinkling in the background both times, before sinking to the floor.

The quartet then turned and took aim at Eroticus, who thus far had remained silent and still. Indeed, the great heroine had not moved a muscle...other than to simply bat her absolutely stunning eyes at the quartet. Once, twice did her long eyebrows come together, the great heroine knowing the terrible tales that followed these minions of DeQuack and so realized their peril. Thus her decision to employ that most devastating of weapons in her arsenal.

The results of which were...

***

Ang:

… very rewarding for all.

"And how is dear, dear Howard?" Eroticus purred, affecting a smile of such joy, it stunned even the tiny alien beings into drooling silence. "It's been ages since he's had me in shackles. I'd be absolutely delighted to be his prisoner again, of course. Anyone in their right mind would be honored." She took a few careful, seductively swaying steps forward. The little silver clad quartet audibly gulped behind their helmets.  The attached antennae quivered.

"You must be thrilled to be his minions," Eroticus continued, her voice low and perfectly designed to incite lust, even in inanimate objects. "I'm sure only the worthiest, strongest, and bravest of... uh... things... are allowed to do this kind of menial task for him. He must think that. Even I can see how... um... efficient you are. He must be very proud of you all. And of course, he richly rewards your tireless servitude... gold, platinum, rubies, the occasional Caribbean cruise... I'm sure he's very generous to you."

The little group hung their small heads and shuffled their feet.

Eroticus surveyed their evident discontent with quiet satisfaction. "What, no rubies? Well, maybe he just forgot. At least he provides you with a good health plan and two weeks vacation, right?"

One of the quartet let out a high-pitched snort. "We don't even get dental," the being squeaked, before one of its companions elbowed it in the stomach.

Eroticus raised her eyebrows in mock surprise. "That's terrible!" she cried. "Why even us lowly super heroes get dental! Aren't you union?"

To which the little silver being replied...

***

Lariel & Kathy (mixed):

… "Emperor DeQuack, Supreme Ruler of the Galacticsphere, says healthcare is for wimps, and dental plans impair productivity." The little being took off its helmet, revealing a gappy smile. His/her colleagues followed suit.

"Oh my!" uttered Eroticus. "You poor little mites. Not only are you ruled by a despot, but your terms and conditions of employment are appalling!" And she gathered the disconsolate little things to her amply heaving bosoms.

"Well, we have a couple of fringe benefits," muttered one as he/she snuggled up close to the velvety flesh which peaked out from the heavy breastplate.

"You need proper representation," continued Eroticus, in a low purr as she seductively swayed from side to side. Her small silvery companions swung gently from her chest, swaying like an anemone in the ocean tide. "...to protect your interests. I'll bet you don't even have a pension plan…"

"Pension plan…?"

Erotics clapped her hand to her forehead, and practically swooned in dismay. "Oh my... but this is terrible! You little creatures are so under represented! You're just not receiving your due benefits. It's in the Regulations - chapter V, sub-section F para 2.5: 'All petty minions shall enjoy basic healthcare (amputations extra), minimum wage (pillage goods taxable) and a damn good send off. "

"You're right, we should get benefits!"

"Yes, yes you should," Eroticus said as her tongue lazily traced her lips. "But you see - well, you're not union, are you?"

"Union?" The little beings looked at each other. Their leader stepped forward, his antennae bouncing eagerly. "Hm, union? Union; key word unite, to become one large instead of four small?"

"Size matters, sweetie."

"You fools!" One of the beings had kept its helmet on, and was doing a little dance on the floor in fury. "Can't you see she's hypnotising you with those round, bouncy things? Remember Emperor DeQuack's orders! Resist her charms! Resist!!" A quick thump from one of his colleagues silenced the protester.

"You were talking about our interests?" prompted a beaming silvery being.

"I'd love to protect your interests," Eroticus said with a lazy smile. "I have a lot of experience in these matters. And I have a Diploma in Heroics (hons). But I'll need to speak with Howard." She paused, the tip of her tongue resting against a luscious lip. "We'll have to have some very serious negotiations… Howard does so love it when I bargain him hard."

"Yes??" panted her rapt audience.

"You little……I mean, you big, strong creatures, let's go for the union thing. Demand your benefits! Make DeQuack listen! Full speed ahead!"

They skittered away, pulled their helmets back on and commenced tugging at various shifts and levers while visions of sickness pay and luncheon vouchers flashed through their alien little minds. The craft's engines whirred and once again they were underway.

Eroticus breathed a huge - and it was, huge - sigh of relief. A temporary one, as just then, a commotion behind caused her to whirl around in absolute shock.

"Oh my GOD! Just LOOK at the state of my best armour!" It was Antithesis, swaying on his feet and desperately trying to buff his leather jerkin. "Do you know how hard it is to get soot out of this particular weave?"

Eroticus gave a most un-heroic like squeak.

"What?" He looked up in astonishment, his eyes staring white from a blackened face. "Do I have something on my nose?" He rubbed the appendage. "Has it gone yet?"

"I thought you were dead?"

"Oh, that. No, all the oils and polish and hair unguents I use have formed a fire resistant shield around me. Quite lucky really. Still, my dear…" His eyes took on a rampant gleam, and what was left of his hair stood on end. "I see it's just us. Very possibly the last human beings left alive on Earth - we'll have to repopulate the planet. Can we start now?"

He approached her with arms outstretched, his charred fingers reaching for her when with a huge jolt…

***

Emily D:

...the little craft began to shake.

Antithesis immediately toppled forwards; and conveniently, his face became wedged between Eroticus' breasts.

"Whsss ggng nnn?" he mumbled contentedly, before Eroticus gave him an impatient shove that caused an even more violent jolt than before.

"What's going on?" she intoned, authoritatively.

The chatter about pension plans and health insurance previously emanating from the cockpit had turned into a panicked silence; and now, one of the little beings hurried out towards them.

"We're being attacked!" it squeaked (somewhat shyly, since the memory of Eroticus' seduction was still fresh in its tiny brain).

And as the third jolt made them all stagger, their assailant came into view. Amazingly, it was another flying orb; but this one bore the emblem of Tyng the Terrible (plus the caption, 'Clinically Proven to be More Evil than the other Leading Villain').

Eroticus gave vent to a heavy sigh, as she realised they were trapped in a giant game of space invaders.

What to do? The furrow in Eroticus' brow was fast threatening to turn into a frown line as she pondered this question. She bitterly reflected that it would have been much easier without her obligation to rescue Antithesis; much as his very presence filled her with distaste, she could not forget the addendum to Section X Line VII of the Hero's Code, 'and unless they are threatening the well-being of adorable small children, thou shalt not condemn even the most heinous of villains to certain death.'

No adorable small children here, she sighed.

And as she debated the merits of convincing one of the tiny alien beings to dress up as an adorable small child so she could leave Antithesis to his fate, Eroticus felt the craft begin to sink. She inadvertently stepped on one of the small beings, as it tried to hand her a lifejacket and point out the nearest exit. Thankfully, they were making an emergency landing: and soon the orb touched down, with a slightly less gentle 'boink' than before.

Eroticus lost her footing, and almost lost her temper; as she realised that for the second time that day, Antithesis had managed to fall face first, into her breasts.

"Get off!" she snarled, shoving him so hard this time, that he flew straight into the door. It sprung open and Eroticus blinked in amazement at the scene that confronted her.

The mighty wizard Tyng the Terrible - once so feared he had been known as Tyng the Tyrant - had already disembarked his craft, and was fighting hand-to-hand with... a giant duck.

She blinked again, unable to believe her eyes.

Like everyone, Eroticus had heard the rumours about the Emperor Howard DeQuack. He didn't just rule an Empire - he ruled an entire Galaxy. His power was absolute, his strength formidable, and his vengeance terrible.

And apparently, he was a duck.

Eroticus stifled a smile as Tyng the Terrible began to pull at Howard's beak with his long, sharp fingernails. But she couldn't stifle a gasp, when the duck's head came off in the wizard's hand!

She stared in wonder at the slitty eyes, pointed teeth and precisely trimmed goatee that emerged.

"Antithesis!" she whispered, her hatred of the crook forgotten in her shock. "Are my eyes deceiving me, or do they look exactly alike?"

"Exactly," her enemy confirmed. "In fact, I think they could be..."

"Twins!" they intoned, in unison.

At this, the two villains turned around.

"Well," croaked Tyng, sounding a little embarrassed, "we spent so much time arguing over which one of us would be the *evil* twin, we never actually got around to conquering or killing anyone. So we had a battle, and agreed that the loser would assume a disguise for the rest of his life." He gave his brother a long-fingered poke.

"What kind of battle?" asked Eroticus.

"We duelled the only way two real villains can," replied Howard, somewhat sulkily, "rock, paper, scissors. Although he did cheat."

"Well, what do you expect?" Tyng yelled, exasperated. "I'm evil!"

And they began to walk away, although their shouts of "I'm the evil twin!"

"No, I am!" could be heard well into the distance.

Eroticus heaved a sigh of relief.

"Well, my dear," murmured Antithesis, running his hands through what was left of his hair, "now we're rid of those two, I suppose I'd better continue with my original plan to... what was it? Oh yes. To capture you and make you my wife." He laughed, nastily.

Eroticus turned to him, and...

***

Ang:

... replied nonchalantly, "Okay, I'll marry you."

Antithesis' blackened jaw dropped. "What did you say?"

Eroticus sighed and began to root around in her prodigious cleavage for something. "I said I'd marry you, stud. So let's go. Unless you've changed your mind."

Antithesis, who watched in fascination as Eroticus' hands explored the territory he ached to conquer, blinked, completely stunned by her unexpected capitulation. "N... no! I still wanna," he hastened to reassure her, licking his charred lips as she extracted a nail file from her bosom and began to file her long, perfect nails. "But you? You changed your mind?"

Eroticus shrugged.

"Yes," she said without enthusiasm. "I've decided I want to unite myself with your glorious, awesome evil. I can't fight it any longer. I want you so, oh baby, oh baby."

Antithesis hopped up and down with glee for a few moments and then drew closer to his beloved. "Why not have the honeymoon now, then? I'm sure a little dessert won't spoil the main course, eh?" He snickered.

Eroticus rolled her eyes again and pointed her nail file at him. "Huh uh. Not till we're married, mister. I'm not that kind of girl. Let's hurry up and get this over with, okay? I've got an appointment."

Antithesis pouted, at which point Eroticus sighed and put away her nail file. Sidling as close as she could bear, (what with the burnt flesh smell and all) she smiled her most dazzling smile, bending down just slightly to allow him a better view of all her charms.

"Darling, I'm just overcome with longing, I meant to say. Let's go to Notarius then, okay?"

Notarius was the planet totally populated with notaries, not to be confused with the other quickie marriage planet, Las Vegan 6, which was totally comprised of wedding chapels and vegetarian Elvis impersonators. Eroticus didn't want to go there. It reminded her too much of her seventh marriage.

Antithesis placed a crusted hand around Eroticus' tiny waist. "You're in luck, my delectable one," he leered, showing the huge gap where his two front teeth used to be. "We happened to have crashed on Notarius. I think that's one of the natives over there."

Antithesis pointed at a tiny, balding, green-skinned man, clutching a clipboard, hovering near a huge brown boulder. The wrinkled little man wore a plaid kilt, a short sleeved white shirt, and a paisley tie, the official Notary uniform.

Antithesis waved to the Notarian who skipped forward, happy to be of service. (Notarians are terribly helpful. They love to perform any little service for tourists, probably because they've married everyone else on the planet, signed over the titles to their homes and aircars a thousand times since birth, and generally just want another reason to use their stamps and make stuff official.)

"The lady and I would like to get married," Antithesis said, waggling a lone eyebrow. (The other had been singed off.)

The Notarian beamed. "Of course! Just a moment." He reached into the pocket of his quilt, took out a small silver box, tapped it twice and then put it on the rocky ground.

The silver box expanded, until it became a giant wedding arch, complete with flowers in vases on either side, and a small automated accordian player tucked into a niche at the top.

The little Notarian cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved..." he began in his deep, official voice.

"Skip all that," Eroticus spat out impatiently.

Antithesis turned delighted eyes to his bride-to-be. "My darling," he drawled. "Your desire must be as great as my own. I can't wait either."

"Yeah, yeah," Eroticus said, motioning to the Notarian to hurry up.

"Okay then," the little man said, a little miffed that the ceremony wasn't going to require the usual pomp and paperwork. "Do you... insert your name here..."

"Eroticus," Eroticus prompted. "And the answer's yes. I take him to be my husband and he wants me to be his wife. We've covered that. Just make it official, will ya?"

"Fine," grumbled the Notarian. "By the power vested in me by the Universal Marriage Act, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may get on with it."

In anticipation, Antithesis grinned, closed his eyes and puckered up his lips.

Eroticus made a face and warily backed away from him, quietly urging the Notarian to do the same.

Antithesis opened an eye. "Where are you going, my little dumpling?"

Just then, the arch burst into flame, exploding with the force of a tiny star.

Eroticus, taking the Notarian with her, leapt out of the way as fiery accordian chunks hurtled noisily outward. They sheltered behind the giant boulder.

Antithesis was not so lucky.

The Notarian, who had landed on top of Eroticus, unwedged himself from her prominent parts and looked at the smoldering remains of his arch in despair.

"Oh no!" he cried. "I didn't get to stamp the marriage certificate. It's not fair!"

"Don't worry," Eroticus said as she sat up and dusted herself off. 'You can stamp his death certificate."

The Notarian was not comforted. "But what happened?" he wailed.

Eroticus stood, shaking out her shiny mane. "He should have known better. It's protocol," she said. "Superhero Handbook, Page IIX, Section Q: 'Superheros may marry, but their spouses are required to suffer a tragic and untimely death within three hours of the marriage. Whereupon, the hero/heroine must act solemn and flirt with the dark side for a period of no less than five hours." She shrugged. "It's the rules."

She checked her watch (a Winnie the Pooh model with the glow in the dark honey jar.) "Damn," she said. "I'm late for my personal trainer. I'll have to fit in flirting with the dark side after lunch, before my manicure."

She turned to the little Notarian, placed a kiss on his balding head, and hailed a taxi to fly her off into the sunset.